The Daily O’Collegian

Some think the NCAA March Madness basketball tournament is all fun and games.

This simple game of hoops and dreams is causing many horrors and screams.

Most college basketball fans in the nation and around the world are still blind to the epidemic that March Madness causes. This year alone, rough estimates have shown that March Madness has killed 130 people.

Ironically, that is the exact number of men’s and women’s teams that enter this wicked tournament each year.

That fact might seem amusing, but I guarantee that the families of the victims are not laughing.

If you are puzzled how March Madness is claiming the lives of human beings, first go into the living room of Salt Lake City native Leon Stone.

A retired high school basketball coach, Stone was more than enthused to watch his favorite college teams make their way toward victory.

Also, with his wife out of town for the weekend, Stone could fully enjoy the game shirtless and in his underwear on his favorite leather recliner.

He began watching the tournament at 10 a.m and did not get up until the last game finished at midnight.

His extended stay on the recliner had caused his skin to chemically combine with the leather.

As soon as he stood up, his outer layer of skin ripped from his body.

Attempts to reach the recliner were unsuccessful and Mrs. Stone said the cleaners told her, “it will be years before all the skin and bone fragments can be removed properly from the recliner.”

Another incident occurred moments later on the East Coast.

New York City plumber Ryan Sanders celebrated a successful three-point attempt, pumping his fist proudly in the air.

Unfortunately, Sanders had placed a delicious salty potato chip into his mouth just seconds before he pumped his fist in merriment.

The fist pump exerted just enough upward pressure to send the chip spiraling down into his throat.

“He stumbled around like a chicken without a head for about three minutes,” his best friend, Jerry Chalmers, said. “I thought he was still celebrating, but then he fell through my glass coffee table. At that moment, I began to think something was wrong.”

Luckily the chip survived, but Sanders is still in critical condition.

Finally, the most horrifying incident occurred in Washington, D.C., during the men’s West Division tournament.

During a typical free throw attempt, the shooter sneezed, which tragically altered the trajectory of his shot.

The ball spiraled toward Juanita Jackson and mercilessly knocked a holographic March Madness commemorative cup of soda out of her left hand.

Furious, wet, and very confused, Jackson had no idea who to turn to.

“It cost six dollars,” Jackson said. “I cannot believe how wasteful the entire situation was.”

A memorial service for the soda will be held at Jackson’s church this Sunday.

Jackson urges anyone who has suffered a similar tragedy to attend.

The madness ends Monday.