March Madness ends tonight with the national championship game. Like most common folk, my bracket was a washout halfway through the tournament’s opening day.
In fact, I think Arizona and Duke were the only two teams I correctly picked to win their first round games. However, it is some sort of poetic justice that I picked both teams to make the final (with Arizona winning 83-78.)
Now that the self-congratulatory B.S. is over, there is nothing left to do with March Madness except enjoy its final day, which happens to be in April.
What follows is a series of tips on how you, the average college basketball fan, can get the most out of your NCAA championship experience.
The first thing you must do is identify whether you are at a lame watch party. There are three sure-fire ways to tell if you have fallen into one of these parties:• Yes, there is a big-screen TV, but you are watching “Will and Grace.”
• It’s 30 minutes before tipoff, and somebody has already licked the delicious powdery stuff off the Doritos.
• Guests keep taking your girlfriend into another room to “post her up.”
Assuming none of these happen at your party, there are a few things to keep in mind about actually watching the game itself.
First, each viewer tonight falls into one of four categories: those who are only watching and have no favorite team, those who bet on the game but have no favorite team, those who have a favorite team but no money bet, and those who bet on their favorite team.
For the sake of your happiness and those around you, only watch the game with members of the same category as you.
Otherwise, the fan loyalties and money at stake will overlap. This will likely cause a fight.
The other thing you must remember is that one team has to lose tonight. If that happens to be the team you were pulling for, you should have some excuses ready.
Contrary to popular belief, it is not kosher to blame the officiating. Final Four coverage has been very thorough this year, and to date there has been no story reported about the referee being seen checking into Motel 6 with the Duke Blue Devil.
Having ruled out referee bias as an excuse, the easiest way to hide your pain if your team/bet loses is to jump up and shout, “With six games to go, it’s still anyone’s series!”
Then immediately leave the room.
If you need to hang around awhile, then you may need to try a different excuse. Look everyone in the room in the eye and say your team lost because “those big guys on the other team kept rudely stealing the ball when our team tried to bounce it.”
There you have it. In one fell swoop you have seen my prediction for the game and received free advice on enjoying the last night of March Madness.
You feel smarter, don’t you?
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