If Monday Night Football announcer Dennis Miller had his way, every player would be outfitted with one. Who knows, maybe instead of the Super Bowl, we will have the Crotch Bowl. Imagine an entire contest filmed from the waist down.
The wheels are turning in the television executives’ heads right now.
Think of what the Crotch Bowl would mean to ratings. It would be a great chance to pull in a demographic yet untouched by the game itself.
Once the pelvically fixated have been sucked in, maybe we can go to the knee-cam. Once that demographic has been capitalized the foot-cam is the next likely option.
What comes after that? Perhaps the players could have flashing lights on their helmets that go off every time they cross the goal line. How about sacrificing an opposition fan to the Gods of football after every home touchdown? Don’t be surprised.
How far will television executives go? Far enough to hire an entertainer and try to make him into an announcer.
Or maybe they don’t care if he becomes an announcer at all. Maybe they would rather have Miller remain an entertainer.
After all, what does his hiring really represent? As far as ABC is concerned, a boost in ratings. And a boost in ratings means a boost in earnings.
Once again, at the heart of everything in sports, lurks the almighty dollar.
College football players build dormitories. Taxpayers build stadiums.
Professional players build their enormous bank accounts.
Television networks use games to build ratings juggernauts.
Of course, this doesn’t come as a surprise. Just as it shouldn’t be a surprise that ABC hired Miller.
Monday Night Football ratings were slumping last season. They needed a jump start. ABC had many options. From former players to politicians to television personalities. They chose the latter.
Just happened that their choice had zero experience covering football at any level. Miller had never even played football.
But ABC’s decision wasn’t based on football expertise. It was a decision born half out of shockability, half out of earnability.
People wouldn’t tune in to see what the departed Boomer Esiason had to say. They will tune in to see what Miller has to say.
If they don’t like it, they will change the channel and ABC will have come up short.
But, if they come back next Monday night, ABC will have scored a touchdown. Six points for destroying journalistic integrity.
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